I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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