I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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