i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
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