I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
