It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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