I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
