Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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