Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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