hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
