she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
