We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
