Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
