one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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