I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
