last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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