In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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