I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
