In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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