i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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