I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
