Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
