My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
