What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
