yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
