I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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