I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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