hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Someone shattered a urinal.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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