So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
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I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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