Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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