On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
