i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
false alarm. still invincible.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
