I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
is that a dick in a sweater?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
