Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
