my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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