The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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