Only a mothe r could love this liver
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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