Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm so fucking centered right now
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
