I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
