She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
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You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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