in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
