Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
