When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
