Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My life is pants optional.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
