How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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