Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
