glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
