I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
