How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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