they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
