sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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