so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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