A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
