Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
