I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
