Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
