Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
