I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
