I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
where are you?
Hypothermia
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
