Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
